


kenopsia

by ThatWeirdGuyInTheBushes



Series: alone he staggered on (until he found dawns ghost) [2]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dream SMP War, Friendship, Gen, Mentioned Dave | Technoblade, Post-Festival, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Running Away, Toby Smith | Tubbo Needs a Hug, Toby Smith | Tubbo-centric, no beta we die like tubbo, overuse of parenthesis, references to skyblock, tubbo is a child soldier please just let him live
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:35:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27268840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatWeirdGuyInTheBushes/pseuds/ThatWeirdGuyInTheBushes
Summary: kenopsian. the eerie, forlorn atmosphere of a place that’s usually bustling with people but is now abandoned and quiet—a school hallway in the evening, an unlit office on a weekend, vacant fairgrounds—an emotional afterimage that makes it seem not just empty but hyper-empty, with a total population in the negative, who are so conspicuously absent they glow like neon signs.-He feels like a coward, in moments like these. He gets excited when he plans things out and hopeful when he thinks of the future but at the moment right before he leaves whatever place he’s been calling home Tubbo feels like a coward. But that’s never stopped him from leaving before.He’s already written all the notes he’s needed to, and even though they’re probably littered with spelling errors he’s pretty sure that they’re legible. Eret is getting theirs by carrier pigeon. He’s put Niki’s on top of Wilbur’s.He has not written Tommy a letter, and there is a reason for that.
Relationships: No shipping - Relationship, Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, fuck you (:
Series: alone he staggered on (until he found dawns ghost) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1991026
Comments: 15
Kudos: 295





	kenopsia

**Author's Note:**

> tubbo
> 
> (title is from the dictionary of obscure sorrows again.)

Tubbo hears his skin crackling. It’s been two weeks since the festival and he can still hear the fireworks, worming their way into his bones and shattering him from the inside.

He stuffs another loaf of bread into his bag. He doesn’t want to take too many, not when he can hunt and forage, but he also wants to spend at least a couple of hours putting distance between himself and the rest of the SMP.

Quietly, Tubbo hates himself.

He feels like a coward, in moments like these. He gets excited when he plans things out and hopeful when he thinks of the future but at the moment right before he leaves whatever place he’s been calling home Tubbo feels like a coward. But that’s never stopped him from leaving before.

He’s already written all the notes he’s needed to, and even though they’re probably littered with spelling errors he’s pretty sure that they’re legible. Eret is getting theirs by carrier pigeon. He’s put Niki’s on top of Wilbur’s.

He has not written Tommy a letter, and there is a reason for that.

_(“Come with me,” Tubbo says, balled up on Pogtopia’s only clean mattress, staring at Tommy’s reflection in the coal ore of the wall. “I’m going to run away, go somewhere different. I can’t stay here anymore.”_

_“I-”_

_  
_ _  
_ _“Come with me. Please.”_

_Tommy walks away.)_

Everyone is out hunting for good meat, tired of eating potatoes, so it’s the perfect time to leave. No one to stop him. Not anymore.

_(Tommy hasn’t let Technoblade be in the same room as Tubbo since the festival. This changes nothing. Tubbo can feel the man’s presence, hear his voice echoing down the halls. He can see the colours. He will have nightmares about that day until he dies.)_

For the first time in his life, Tubbo enchants a sword. Tubbo hates enchantments; They make his skin crawl with their ancientness, glittering with holiness, glittering with sacrilege. Wilbur is the only person he’s ever met who feels the same. Sometimes it feels like the only thing they have in common.

Tubbo’s netherite blade glows and for once he does not swallow bile. It doesn’t feel ancient today. Just heavy.

He’s almost through the door when he’s stopped.

“Tubbo.”

Tubbo looks over his shoulder to see Tommy on the steps, sword dangling by his side. “What are you doing?”

  
  
“I can’t stay here anymore, Tommy.” Tubbo’s chest is bubbling, and he remembers this same conversation in a different time. Tubbo feels enchanted, feels ancient and sacrilege and heavy.

_(Before the war starts, before L’Manberg starts, Tubbo’s house goes up in flames. He coughs up his lungs into Tommy’s shirt and then grabs everything he can. He has another home in the jungle. Far enough away that he never has to smell gasoline again._

_“I can’t stay here anymore, Tommy.”_

_Tubbo sits on Tommy’s bench, his clothes still smelling like ash. They listen to Mellohi together. Tommy grabs Tubbo by the hand._

_“Wilbur and I are planning something big. It’s gonna be safe, inside the walls. Just… please don’t go yet.”_

_And Tubbo stayed. And it wasn’t safe. And Tubbo stayed. And there were no walls and there was no Tommy or Wilbur and Tubbo has always stayed. There was always something more important than Tubbo and a nice home in the jungle away from the smoke in his lungs._

_Tubbo can’t afford to keep putting himself second.)_

Tommy is quiet for so long that Tubbo thinks he’s left again. But finally, when Tubbo takes another step forward, he speaks.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

Tubbo pushes through the vines, and can’t bring himself to say goodbye.

He grabs his horse’s reins.

_(They’re sitting on the edge of the world, feet dangling off the edge as they say their final goodbye to this island. “Are we still gonna be friends?” Tubbo asks before he can stop himself._

_And for once Tommy breaks character and turns to look at Tubbo with utter seriousness in his eyes and says “Of course we are.”_

_“Promise?”_

_  
_ _“Promise.”_

_“Pinky promise?”_

_“Nerd. Fine. Pinky promise.”)_

Tubbo makes sure his sword is secure in its holster. He picks at a hole in his shirt and feels painfully young and hollow. It was supposed to be him and Tommy. Through the burning forests and the burning houses and the wars over music discs, it was supposed to be him and his best friend. And Tommy’s only stuck here because he’s a loyal bastard with too much faith in a leader who couldn’t handle power in the first place.

Because Tubbo loves Wilbur like a big brother but the man has gone off the fucking deep end. Tubbo has wanted to shout at Tommy about it for months. Give him the same lecture that he gave Tubbo about Schlatt. _“He’s not good for you. He’s not good for you.”_

Tommy almost died for L’Manberg. So did Wilbur. So did Tubbo. The only difference now is that Tubbo isn’t holding on by the threads of a sunk cost fallacy. He’s given up on trying to tell himself that he’s done too much to back out now because doing too much is the exact reason he has to back out. He got shot on stage for this country, he dug a tunnel for miles for this country, he tore down walls he built and got his home burnt to the ground and lost one of his best friends for this country and he’s done with it.

_(Tubbo wakes up from a nightmare on Wilbur’s couch. Wilbur is writing at his desk, drinking a cup of coffee. Tubbo remembers the night before, where he built and built for so long that he couldn’t even stumble home before collapsing of exhaustion._

_And he dreamt of Eret like he always seems to do these days._

_Tubbo wipes the tears off on the arm of his uniform. Wilbur looks over his shoulder but turns around once he sees that Tubbo’s awake._

_They’re both quiet, for a long few minutes, while Tubbo talks himself down from panic and Wilbur writes._

_He tries to stop it, but the question pushes itself out between his teeth. “Does it ever get better?”_

_And Wilbur freezes, stops writing and doesn’t turn around. “No,” he whispers. “It doesn’t.”)_

Tubbo finally gets on the horse. He swallows, hard- steels himself. It’s just him and his pets, now. Tubbo versus the World.

He pulls up the reins.

“Tubbo!”

He turns around and sees Tommy bursting out of Pogtopia’s door, a bag slung over his shoulder and a torch in hand. “Tommy? What are you-?”

  
  
“I’m coming!” Tubbo’s eyes go wide, his heart leaping into his throat. “I had to write a letter to Wilbur but I’m coming with you.”

“Really?” Despite himself, Tubbo’s voice shakes. Tommy’s pensive expression morphs into a grin. His eyes look a little glossy, but that could just be the torchlight. Tommy snuffs the torch out in the dirt and then hops on the back of the saddle. Tubbo’s chest floods with warmth and love and he used to compare this kind of feeling to fireworks but it doesn’t feel like that anymore. It’s softer. Kinder. Not as blinding. It is the gentle reassurance that it’s no matter what happens, it's going to be him and Tommy together, no matter what, pinky promise.

“Of course. You need my survival skills if you want even a chance of making it out alive.” Tubbo laughs, brighter than he has in a long time.

“Of course.”

Tubbo and Tommy versus the World. It has a nice ring to it.

**Author's Note:**

> leave a comment and i will walk on water. the longer the comment, the faster i go.


End file.
